if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
