so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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