Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
