i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
