You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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