dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
