Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
