There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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