no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
