if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
