She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
