dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
