Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
