I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
