i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
