God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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