The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
