i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
