Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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