Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
