Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
