Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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