I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
