meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
