even my farts smell like vagina
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
