I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
they're like a gay fantastic four
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
