So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
