Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
