Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
