I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
