I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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