Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
