The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
