You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
