I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
