after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
