apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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