its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
