So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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