...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
