I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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