She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
