fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
