I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
