I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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