Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
