then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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