Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This is my gift to your gina
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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