Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
