i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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