Jerry, you need to find god
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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